Difficulty: Intermediate | Prerequisites: Week 11 (Relationships Part 1), Attachment Theory, Sternberg's Model.
This week covers what happens after initial attraction: how romantic relationships either transition from passionate to companionate love or fail, the four behaviours that damage relationships, the two aspects of intimacy, how friendships form and are structured, and why commitment and monogamy developed the way they did. If you have not reviewed Week 11 (attachment, Sternberg, attractiveness), start there.
For a romantic relationship to survive long-term, it must transition from passionate to companionate love (roughly within two years). Three uncontrollable factors (low socioeconomic status, high neuroticism, reliance on stereotypes/roles) inflate relationship strain, and four controllable behaviours (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) actively damage relationships. Contempt expressions are the single best short-term predictor of breakup. Friendships form through similarity, propinquity, and mere exposure, and shift from transactional exchange to genuine care as liking deepens. Commitment is primarily motivated by fear of social consequences and is strengthened by community involvement.
Social Exchange Theory
The idea that early relationships form when people in shared circumstances mutually assist each other. Once intimate liking develops, people "stop counting" favours and simply care.
Sympathy Group
People in your life you see often and can rely on to help you reach important goals. Typically about 20 people (+/- 12).
Support Clique
The subset of your Sympathy Group you can reliably always turn to in times of true distress. Usually about 6 (+/- 4).
Physical Intimacy
Feelings and behaviours oriented around bodily arousal and touching, continuous with the emotion of lust.
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional closeness characterised by self-disclosure, liking, and trust.
Criticism (relationship-damaging)
Verbally attacking your partner's personality or character, rather than addressing a specific behaviour.
Contempt
Attacking your partner's sense of self-worth with targeted insults or psychological abuse. The strongest predictor of near-term breakup.
Defensiveness
Habitually seeing yourself as the victim, always warding off unwarranted attacks.
Stonewalling
Withdrawing from interaction to avoid conflict or signal disapproval.
Serial Monogamy
The mating pattern best describing humans: a sequence of monogamous pair bonds rather than permanent pair bonding. Occasionally polygamous.
After roughly two years, passion can drop low enough that partners begin to second-guess the relationship.
Passionate love is intense and involves physiological arousal. Companionate love is calmer, built on intimacy and commitment.
For a romantic relationship to survive long-term, it must transition from primarily passionate to primarily companionate love.
Human passionate attraction is short-lived and novelty-driven because our species is adapted for serial monogamy and rare polygamy.
Three factors beyond our control that inflate relationship strain:
Low socioeconomic status: financial strain increases conflict
High neuroticism in either or both partners: tendencies toward intense emotional reactions, especially anxiety
High reliance on stereotypes and roles: creates unrealistic expectations
Four behaviours within our control that damage relationships (Gottman's "Four Horsemen"):
Criticism: verbally attacking your partner's personality or character
Contempt: attacking your partner's sense of self-worth with targeted insults or psychological abuse
Defensiveness: habitually seeing yourself as the victim
Stonewalling: withdrawing to avoid conflict or signal disapproval
The most reliable short-term predictor (under 15 minutes of observation) of whether a couple will break up is the number of contempt expressions shown during conversation.
Intimacy has two partially overlapping aspects:
Physical intimacy: feelings and behaviours oriented around bodily arousal and touching
Emotional intimacy: emotional closeness, self-disclosure, liking, trust
Affection describes the set of behaviours that express intimate feelings.
Both friendships and familial relationships are primarily based in emotional intimacy, but familial relationships tend to have a large, intuitive commitment component.
Early friendships form through Social Exchange Theory: people in shared circumstances mutually assist each other.
Once intimate liking develops, people stop keeping score and simply care.
Three big statistical predictors of forming a friendship:
Similarity (especially interests and values): drawn to people with shared experiences and worldviews (Implicit Egoism)
Propinquity: geographic proximity combined with functional distance (how often you make contact)
Mere exposure: slowly becoming fond of anything seen frequently
Two subgroups of real-life social networks:
Sympathy Group: people you see often and can rely on (~20, +/- 12)
Support Clique: the subset you turn to in true distress (~6, +/- 4)
The hierarchical classification of friends is far more common and valued in the West; it is not universal.
A duty-based cognitive stance involving a public declaration of dedication to a standard or course of action, policed largely by cognitive dissonance.
For most people, commitment is not a rewarding state; it is motivated by fear of social consequences.
Tactics that strengthen commitments: community involvement, more witnesses, familial symbolism.
Humans are not permanently pair-bonding. Comparative psychologists classify us as sometimes polygamous serial monogamists.
Normative monogamy in most societies emerged through gene-culture coevolution as a tactic to reduce violent intra-sex competition between men, particularly after patriarchal property ownership allowed high-status men to monopolise many wives.
In historical contexts, monogamy is probably the most socially beneficial relationship model, though the costs of variants are decreasing in modern societies.
Students often think the four damaging behaviours are equal predictors of breakup. They are not. Contempt is the single strongest predictor.
Social Exchange Theory does not mean all relationships are transactional. The theory specifically notes that once genuine liking develops, people stop keeping score.
The hierarchical classification of friends (sympathy group, support clique) is not universal; it is a Western-centric framework.
⚠️ The transition from passionate to companionate love, and the approximate two-year timeline, is frequently tested.
⚠️ Know the three uncontrollable strain factors and the four controllable damaging behaviours. Be especially clear that contempt is the strongest breakup predictor.
⚠️ The three friendship predictors (similarity, propinquity, mere exposure) are exam staples.
⚠️ Be able to explain why commitment is not rewarding for most people (fear of social consequences, not intrinsic pleasure).
⚠️ The evolutionary explanation for normative monogamy (reducing male intra-sex violence) is a commonly tested detail.
Fill in the blank: For a relationship to survive long-term, it must transition from ______ love to companionate love. (Passionate.)
True or False: Stonewalling is the most reliable predictor of imminent breakup. (False. Contempt is.)
Fill in the blank: The three statistical predictors of friendship formation are similarity, propinquity, and ______. (Mere exposure.)
True or False: According to Social Exchange Theory, all mature friendships maintain a tally of favours. (False. Once liking develops, people stop counting.)
True or False: Commitment is a rewarding emotional state for most people. (False. It is motivated by fear of social consequences.)
Q: What transition typically needs to take place for a romantic relationship to survive long-term?
A: An emotive transition from primarily passionate to companionate love.
Q: What three main things (beyond our control) inflate relationship strain?
A: Low socioeconomic status, high neuroticism, and high reliance on stereotypes/roles.
Q: What four main behaviours (within our control) damage relationships?
A: Personal criticism, showing contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Q: What is the most reliable short-term indicator of imminent breakup?
A: The number of contempt expressions shown during conversation.
Q: What are the three big statistical predictors of forming a friendship?
A: Similarity (especially interests/values), propinquity, and mere exposure.
Q: Is our sense of relationship commitment a rewarding state?
A: For most people, no. It is motivated because we fear social consequences.
Q: What appears to be the main historical factor behind normative monogamy in societies?
A: A tactic to reduce violent intra-sex competition between men, caused when patriarchal property ownership allowed high-status men to monopolise many wives.
This connects to Week 11 (attachment styles shape how people handle the four damaging behaviours). It connects to Emotions (Week 9) because contempt and defensiveness are emotional regulation failures. It connects to Group Dynamics (Week 15) because social loafing and free-riding parallel how commitment erodes when social consequences weaken.
Romantic relationships, passionate love, companionate love, relationship failure, Gottman, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, four horsemen, intimacy, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, affection, friendship, Social Exchange Theory, similarity, propinquity, mere exposure, implicit egoism, sympathy group, support clique, commitment, cognitive dissonance, monogamy, serial monogamy, polygamy, normative monogamy, socioeconomic status, neuroticism, PSY 301, social psychology, NYU