Source: Social Psychology (NYU) | Chapters 11–13
Tags: attraction, proximity, mere exposure, physical attractiveness, similarity, love, passionate love, companionate love, attachment, helping, altruism, bystander effect, social exchange, conflict, social dilemmas, prisoner's dilemma, peacemaking, GRIT
Difficulty: Intermediate | Prerequisites: Chapters 7–10 (the persuasion, group, prejudice, and aggression material provides the foundation for understanding how we connect with, help, and clash with others).
Chapter 11 explores what draws people together: proximity, physical attractiveness, similarity, and reciprocal liking, then examines passionate and companionate love and the factors that sustain or dissolve close relationships. Chapter 12 asks why, when, and who helps, covering social exchange theory, empathy-driven altruism, and the bystander effect. Chapter 13 closes the course by examining the roots of conflict (social dilemmas, competition, perceived injustice, misperception) and four peacemaking strategies: contact, cooperation, communication, and conciliation.
We are attracted to those who are nearby, physically appealing, similar to us, and who like us back; love begins with passion and, in lasting relationships, matures into companionate love built on equity and self-disclosure. Helping is shaped by a cost-benefit calculus, social norms, empathy, and situational factors (the more bystanders, the less any one person helps). Conflict arises from social traps, competition, injustice, and misperception, and can be resolved through contact, superordinate goals, mediation, and graduated de-escalation (GRIT).
Need to belong
A motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide ongoing, positive interactions.
Ostracism
Acts of excluding or ignoring; the social pain is real and affects brain mechanisms that inhibit unwanted behaviour.
Proximity
Geographical nearness or functional distance; one of the strongest predictors of liking.
Mere exposure effect
The tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more after repeated exposure, even without awareness.
Matching phenomenon
The tendency to choose partners who are a "good match" in attractiveness and other traits.
Physical-attractiveness stereotype
The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits ("what is beautiful is good").
Complementarity
The popularly supposed tendency for each partner to complete what is missing in the other. Research largely fails to support the idea that opposites attract.
Ingratiation
The use of strategies, such as flattery, to gain another's favour.
Reward theory of attraction
The theory that we like those whose behaviour is rewarding to us or whom we associate with rewarding events.
Passionate love
A state of intense longing for union with another; "being in love." Passionate love = lust + attachment.
Two-factor theory of emotion
Arousal multiplied by its cognitive label equals the experienced emotion. Being aroused from any source can intensify passionate feelings if the arousal is attributed to a romantic stimulus.
Companionate love
The deep affection we feel for those with whom our lives are intertwined; emerges as passionate love fades.
Secure attachment
Rooted in trust and marked by intimacy.
Avoidant attachment
Marked by discomfort with closeness; an insecure attachment style.
Anxious attachment
Marked by anxiety or ambivalence; an insecure attachment style.
Equity
A condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute.
Self-disclosure
Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others.
Disclosure reciprocity
The tendency for one person's intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of their conversational partner.
What leads to attraction?
Proximity: we like people we see often. Familiarity breeds fondness (not contempt). Anticipating interaction with someone also increases liking.
Mere exposure: repeated exposure to any stimulus (faces, characters, words) increases liking, even when the exposure is subliminal. The effect fades with incessant repetition.
Physical attractiveness: predicts dating frequency; the physical-attractiveness stereotype ("beautiful is good") shapes first impressions. Once people know each other, unique qualities matter more. Attractiveness is partly subjective and influenced by social comparison; the most "attractive" face is often a mathematical average of many faces.
Matching phenomenon: people tend to pair with partners of roughly similar attractiveness.
Similarity: friends, couples, and spouses share attitudes, values, and traits. Greater similarity predicts happier, more durable relationships. Complementarity ("opposites attract") is largely unsupported.
Liking those who like us: reciprocal liking is a strong predictor. We are sensitive to the slightest criticism, and we often perceive criticism as more sincere than praise.
Reward theory of attraction ties all four factors together: we like people who are rewarding to be around or whom we associate with rewarding experiences.
What is love?
Sternberg's triangle: love has three components (passion, intimacy, commitment). Different combinations produce different types: romantic love (intimacy + passion), companionate love (intimacy + commitment), consummate love (all three).
Passionate love: intense longing, absorption, ecstasy. Arousal from any source can be misattributed to a romantic partner (two-factor theory). Passionate love is biological (neurochemistry) as well as psychological. It follows an addictive pattern and fades over time.
Companionate love: the deep affection for those with whom our lives are intertwined. Emerges after passionate love fades. In arranged marriages, love reportedly increases over the first five years; in love marriages, it tends to decrease.
Culture and gender: most cultures have a concept of romantic love, but in some it follows rather than precedes marriage. Men tend to fall in love more readily; once in love, women are typically as emotionally involved.
What enables close relationships?
Secure attachment (vs. avoidant or anxious): infant attachment styles lay a foundation for adult relationships
Equity: relationship satisfaction depends on perceived fairness of contributions and outcomes. Perceived inequity and marital distress reinforce each other.
Self-disclosure and disclosure reciprocity: deep relationships require being known and accepted. Couples who reveal themselves to each other report the most satisfying, enduring relationships.
How do relationships end?
Individualistic cultures have higher divorce rates; greater expectations for passion and personal fulfilment place more pressure on the relationship
The detachment process follows a predictable sequence: agitated preoccupation, deep sadness, and emotional detachment
Responses to distress: constructive (voice: seek to improve; loyalty: wait) or destructive (exit: leave; neglect: ignore the partner)
Healthy marriages are not conflict-free but are marked by the ability to reconcile differences and to overbalance criticism with affection
Altruism
A motive to increase another's welfare without conscious regard for one's own self-interests.
Social-exchange theory
The theory that human interactions are transactions that aim to maximise one's rewards and minimise one's costs.
Reciprocity norm
An expectation that people will help, not hurt, those who have helped them.
Social-responsibility norm
An expectation that people will help those who need help, regardless of whether the favour can be returned.
Social capital
The mutual support and cooperation enabled by a social network that keeps a community healthy.
Empathy
The vicarious experience of another's feelings; putting oneself in another's shoes.
Kin selection
The idea that evolution has favoured altruism toward close relatives to enhance the survival of shared genes.
Bystander effect
The finding that a person is less likely to provide help when other bystanders are present.
Moral exclusion
The perception of certain individuals or groups as outside the boundary within which one applies moral values and rules of fairness.
Moral inclusion
Regarding others as within one's circle of moral concern.
Why do we help?
Social-exchange theory: helping is a transaction. External rewards (praise, reciprocity) and internal rewards (the "do-good/feel-good" effect, guilt reduction, restored self-image) motivate helping. Happy people help more.
Social norms: the reciprocity norm (help those who have helped you) and the social-responsibility norm (help those who need it) set expectations for prosocial behaviour.
Evolutionary psychology: kin selection favours altruism toward genetic relatives; reciprocity works best in small groups; group selection can favour self-sacrifice for the ingroup.
Genuine altruism and empathy: when empathy is aroused, people may help even when no one will know. The debate centres on whether empathy triggers a purely altruistic motive or a subtler form of self-interest (reducing one's own empathic distress).
When will we help?
The bystander effect: as the number of bystanders increases, any given bystander is less likely to (1) notice the incident, (2) interpret it as an emergency, and (3) assume responsibility for acting
Latane and Darley's decision tree: notice, interpret, assume responsibility, then act. Failure at any step means no help.
We help more when someone else helps first (prosocial models promote altruism)
Time pressure reduces helping: hurried people often fail to notice a person in need
Similarity increases helping: we are more empathetic toward those who are similar to us
Who will help?
Personality traits (positive emotionality, empathy, self-efficacy) predict average helpfulness across situations, though they seldom predict a single specific act
Gender: men help more in physically dangerous situations; women help more in everyday, safer contexts, show more empathy, and tend to be more generous
Religious faith: highly religious people report higher rates of charitable giving and volunteering. The prosocial effect of religiosity is strongest where religious behaviour is freely chosen.
How can we increase helping?
Reduce ambiguity and increase personal responsibility (e.g., direct personal appeals, reducing anonymity)
Awaken guilt and concern for self-image (labelling people as helpful strengthens that identity)
Socialise altruism: teach moral inclusion, model helping behaviour, encourage learning by doing (helpful actions promote a helpful self-concept)
Learning about the bystander effect itself can prepare people to act
Conflict
A perceived incompatibility of actions or goals.
Peace
A condition marked by low levels of hostility and aggression and by mutually beneficial relationships.
Social trap
A situation in which conflicting parties, each rationally pursuing its self-interest, become caught in mutually destructive behaviour.
Prisoner's Dilemma
Two suspects, jointly guilty, are questioned separately and each given an incentive to confess. Rational self-interest leads both to confess, producing a worse outcome than if both had cooperated.
Tragedy of the Commons
When individuals each consume more than their share of a shared resource, the cost is dispersed among all, leading to the resource's collapse.
Non-zero-sum games
Games (and situations) in which outcomes need not sum to zero: with cooperation both can win, with competition both can lose.
Mirror-image perceptions
Reciprocal, often distorted views of each other held by parties in conflict (e.g., each side sees itself as moral and the other as aggressive).
Superordinate goal
A shared goal that necessitates cooperative effort and overrides people's differences.
Bargaining
Seeking an agreement through direct negotiation between parties.
Mediation
An attempt by a neutral third party to resolve a conflict by facilitating communication and offering suggestions.
Integrative agreements
Win-win agreements that reconcile both parties' interests to their mutual benefit.
Arbitration
Resolution of a conflict by a neutral third party who studies both sides and imposes a settlement.
GRIT
Graduated and reciprocated initiatives in tension reduction: a strategy for de-escalating conflict in which one side announces and carries out small conciliatory acts while maintaining retaliatory capability.
What creates conflict?
Social dilemmas: situations where individual self-interest clashes with collective well-being
Prisoner's Dilemma: rational self-interest leads both parties to defect, producing a worse outcome for both than mutual cooperation would
Tragedy of the Commons: individuals overconsume a shared resource (air, water, fish stocks), dispersing the cost to everyone and eventually collapsing the resource
Both games feature the fundamental attribution error ("I defected because of the situation; they defected because of their character") and evolving motives
Resolving social dilemmas: regulation, making groups smaller, effective communication, changing payoffs, appealing to altruistic norms
Competition: Sherif's Rattlers and Eagles experiment showed that win-lose competition produced intense intergroup conflict, negative outgroup images, and strong ingroup cohesion
Perceived injustice: people perceive justice as equity (rewards proportional to contributions). When people contribute more and benefit less, they feel exploited. Some cultures define justice as equality or fulfilment of need instead.
Misperception: self-serving bias, fundamental attribution error, preconceptions, group polarization, groupthink, and ingroup bias all distort how parties in conflict perceive each other
Mirror-image perceptions: each side sees itself as moral and peace-loving and the other as evil and aggressive
Under tension, thinking becomes more simplistic and stereotyped; critical thinking is impeded
How can peace be achieved? (The Four Cs)
Contact
Proximity boosts liking; contact generally predicts tolerance
Interracial contact produces benefits when it leads to friendship: reducing anxiety, increasing empathy, humanising others, decreasing perceived threats
Contact alone is not enough; self-segregation can persist even in desegregated settings
Cooperation
Common external threats and superordinate goals (shared goals requiring cooperative effort) build cohesion and reduce intergroup hostility
Sherif's follow-up: after introducing superordinate goals, the Rattlers and Eagles hostility dropped sharply
Cooperative learning in classrooms improves racial attitudes
Communication
Bargaining: direct negotiation. Tough bargaining can lower the other party's expectations but may backfire.
Mediation: a neutral third party facilitates communication and helps find integrative (win-win) agreements
Trust is the key factor in successful communication
Arbitration: a neutral third party studies both sides and imposes a settlement; used when mediation fails. Knowing arbitration is the backstop motivates parties to reach agreement on their own.
Conciliation
GRIT (graduated and reciprocated initiatives in tension reduction): one side announces and carries out small de-escalatory acts while maintaining retaliatory capability. If the other side reciprocates, tension decreases step by step.
GRIT-like strategies have shown promising results in real-world diplomacy
Students often assume "opposites attract." Research consistently finds that similarity, not complementarity, predicts attraction and relationship durability.
The mere exposure effect does not mean more exposure always increases liking. Incessant repetition eventually reduces it.
The bystander effect does not mean bystanders are indifferent. The mechanism is diffusion of responsibility and ambiguity about whether the situation is an emergency, not apathy.
GRIT is sometimes confused with simply being nice. The key is that conciliatory gestures are paired with maintained retaliatory capability, so the initiating party is not exploited.
⚠️ Know the four factors of attraction (proximity, attractiveness, similarity, reciprocal liking) and the theory that unifies them (reward theory).
⚠️ Distinguish passionate love from companionate love. Know the two-factor theory of emotion and how it applies to passionate love.
⚠️ Know the three attachment styles and their adult relationship implications.
⚠️ The bystander effect and Latane and Darley's decision tree are heavily tested. Be able to walk through the three steps where the presence of others reduces helping.
⚠️ Know social-exchange theory, the reciprocity norm, and the social-responsibility norm as explanations for helping.
⚠️ Prisoner's Dilemma and Tragedy of the Commons: be able to describe each and explain why rational self-interest leads to collectively harmful outcomes.
⚠️ The Four Cs of peacemaking (contact, cooperation, communication, conciliation) and the GRIT strategy are exam staples.
True or False: The mere exposure effect says that familiarity breeds contempt.
Fill in the blank: The ______ effect is the finding that a person is less likely to help when other bystanders are present.
True or False: In Sternberg's model, companionate love combines intimacy and commitment without passion.
Fill in the blank: A ______ goal is a shared objective that requires cooperative effort and overrides group differences.
True or False: GRIT involves making large, unconditional concessions without maintaining retaliatory capability.
Answers: 1. False (familiarity breeds fondness, not contempt). 2. Bystander. 3. True. 4. Superordinate. 5. False (GRIT involves small, graduated concessions while maintaining retaliatory capability).
Q: Why does proximity lead to attraction? Give at least two mechanisms.
A: Proximity increases the frequency of interaction (and those who interact frequently are more likely to become friends than enemies), enables anticipatory liking (we prepare to like someone we expect to meet), and produces mere exposure (repeated encounters increase familiarity and fondness).
Q: A woman collapses on a busy subway platform and no one helps for several minutes. Use the bystander effect and Latane and Darley's decision tree to explain why.
A: The bystander effect: with many people present, each person's sense of personal responsibility is diluted (diffusion of responsibility). At each step of the decision tree, bystanders may fail to act. They may not notice (distracted by their own activity), may not interpret the collapse as an emergency (perhaps she is just resting, and others' inaction reinforces that interpretation through pluralistic ignorance), or may not assume responsibility ("someone else will call for help").
Q: Explain how superordinate goals reduced conflict in Sherif's Robbers Cave experiment.
A: After win-lose competitions created intense intergroup hostility between the Rattlers and Eagles, Sherif introduced problems that required both groups to cooperate (e.g., fixing a shared water supply). These superordinate goals made both groups interdependent and shifted attention from rivalry to shared effort, and outgroup ratings improved dramatically.
Q: What is GRIT, and why does it work without leaving the initiator vulnerable?
A: GRIT stands for graduated and reciprocated initiatives in tension reduction. One side publicly announces a conciliatory intent, then carries out small, verifiable de-escalatory actions. If the other side reciprocates, tension decreases step by step. The initiator is not vulnerable because GRIT maintains retaliatory capability throughout; only the climate of mistrust changes, not the balance of power.
The reward theory of attraction (Chapter 11) connects to social-exchange theory (Chapter 12): both frame human relationships in terms of costs and rewards.
The bystander effect (Chapter 12) connects to social loafing and diffusion of responsibility (Chapter 8): in both cases, the presence of others reduces individual accountability.
Mirror-image perceptions and misperception (Chapter 13) connect to the fundamental attribution error and group-serving bias (Chapter 9): the same cognitive distortions that sustain prejudice also fuel intergroup conflict.
Superordinate goals (Chapter 13) echo attitude inoculation (Chapter 7): both are practical interventions derived from social-psychological theory.
Attraction, proximity, mere exposure, physical attractiveness, matching phenomenon, similarity, complementarity, reciprocal liking, reward theory, passionate love, companionate love, Sternberg's triangle, two-factor theory, attachment styles, secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, equity, self-disclosure, disclosure reciprocity, ostracism, need to belong, altruism, social-exchange theory, reciprocity norm, social-responsibility norm, empathy, kin selection, bystander effect, Latane, Darley, diffusion of responsibility, moral exclusion, moral inclusion, conflict, social trap, prisoner's dilemma, tragedy of the commons, non-zero-sum, competition, Sherif, Robbers Cave, perceived injustice, mirror-image perceptions, superordinate goal, contact hypothesis, cooperation, bargaining, mediation, integrative agreements, arbitration, GRIT, conciliation, peacemaking